This year has been a long one, and it has not finished yet. It is finally dawning on me that I am an adult, with adult duties, and in need of an adult job by the end of this year. In this post, I want to discuss the looming fear that comes with inevitable change, whether it is moving to a different country, graduating or just changing physically. Change has always been something I struggle with, and although this post might not seem uplifting, I hope it is comforting to know that you are not the only person going through this.
Style and fashion.
As a pre-teen, I was always aware of my looks. Whether it was my glasses, braces or how weight sat at specific parts of my body, I was always looking at ways to change anything about myself. But, at a certain point, I became comfortable in who I was, not by seeking the validation from others, but because I had no means to change what I looked like.
Here comes university. Walking around campus opened my eyes to many different styles and ways people carried themselves, something I lacked because I was never able to express myself through these things. So I started investing in clothing items that I LIKED. Not something that was convenient, something that hid my arms or something that made me disappear. I, for once, wanted to be visible. I have become my own person by choosing to have a Sunghoon photocard on my shoulder bag, by choosing to wear hairclips on my hijab and by not caring how others perceived me.
When I think of how much my life has changed over the year, the first thing I realise/notice is how different I feel when wearing the clothes/makeup that I want to wear. Did I go to university expecting to change my entire wardrobe? No. But did it happen anyways? Yes, because change doesn’t wait for anyone. It comes when you need it the most but aren’t aware that you need it, when you become too comfortable in your own skin. And although I am considered a ‘late bloomer’ in some people’s eyes, I am glad that I have found the clothes that I like.
Friendships/relationships.
This section, unfortunately has more negatives than positives. Recently, my great friend left to do a year abroad and for almost 3 months now, I have been pondering on how evil change can be. I, selfishly, didn’t want her to go. We had 2 amazing years together as a trio and to see one of us go, and be unable to graduate with us has been a hard pill to swallow. Change, like time, doesn’t care about graduation and what not. In some cases, it rips people away from you without asking, almost disrespectfully, when you become too comfortable. But this isn’t about how I am affected by the change. My friend, is going through her own changes herself. She will probably discover a new version of herself, and although I feel this drastic separation deep in my soul, I cannot wait to see what kind of person she becomes.
Now for romantic relationships, I’ve never had one, and don’t plan on having one unless it comes to me first. And this is something I know for certain. There are some aspects of marriage and love in general that just does not sit right with me. Having to change for another person or having to sacrifice parts of myself for someone else is just not something I am willing to do, especially in a romantic setting. This might seem pessimistic to some people, but to me, it just seems realistic. Nowhere in my future do I see myself married but maybe one day this will bite me in the ass. For now, I don’t expect this to change for a while.
The end of an era.
Here comes the most confusing part about change, having to figure things out by yourself. I am now a 3rd year student at university, and I have had restless nights about my future and what career path to take for myself. Although I have ambitions to become a sports journalists, without the connections, I don’t think it will work out for me. Teaching, however, is a path I am willing to go into if it means I can help decrease the literacy crisis that we are in even by a little. But I am still uncertain.
Dissertations, graduation, jobs have all been bombarding my mind, and I am extremely overwhelmed. Where do I even begin with my dissertation readings? What should I wear for my graduation or when should I start applying for jobs? The shadow of change draws ever so near, and I am scared. I don’t want to grow up. I don’t want to change. But I will have to. and it will probably be for the greater good.
I have never looked forward to change, whether it was physical or mental, but it happens anyway. Maybe I will never accept it or look forward to it, but I know that it is inevitable and hopefully I can become the best version of myself.
From,
sumayaㅤ♡
https://www.instagram.com/sumayaonthegrid
6 responses to “The year of drastic change: unwanted yet needed.”
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such an interesting piece on the topic!! i’ve thought often about how i feel like a stationary object around which everything and everyone i know is constantly moving around and changing, growing into new versions of theirselves and experiencing new things. And I’ve landed on a more central take on change because even though I am changing all the time, and i’m growing too – it’s the kind of change that’s outside of my own control, it’s happening around me and not from me. I find that trying to change intentionally is so much harder, because you have to unlearn so much of yourself and abandon old thought processes and behaviours in order to evolve. That’s the kind of change also that I was sort of envious of other people for because it felt like it came so much easier to them, like they were growing upwards and i was just growing outwards. It’s refreshing to hear someone admit their own difficulty in accepting change too, i always sensationalise my own hardships with the same, basically thinking things like “no one else is struggling with this as much as you”. But i also think of change (like you said) as necessary, and I want to play a more active part in it – I want to create change in myself rather than just letting it happen to me.
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I’d also really encourage staying away from ideas like “i just don’t see this happening for me”, I want people (esp my friends 😝)to approach their futures with an open mind (which is hard even for me to do), but instead of thinking “i can’t because of these circumstances”, it’s much better to see how you can work around them and what resources are available for you (especially in uni) to break into spaces that you feel like might be out of your reach in the present!! the world is your OYSTER
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you are right but it’s just how i feel right now! It will probably change soon no matter what i think
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sumaya on the grid⋆.𐙚 ̊ 
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