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life not f1 related

The year of drastic change: unwanted yet needed.

This year has been a long one, and it has not finished yet. It is finally dawning on me that I am an adult, with adult duties, and in need of an adult job by the end of this year. In this post, I want to discuss the looming fear that comes with inevitable change, whether it is moving to a different country, graduating or just changing physically. Change has always been something I struggle with, and although this post might not seem uplifting, I hope it is comforting to know that you are not the only person going through this.

Style and fashion.

As a pre-teen, I was always aware of my looks. Whether it was my glasses, braces or how weight sat at specific parts of my body, I was always looking at ways to change anything about myself. But, at a certain point, I became comfortable in who I was, not by seeking the validation from others, but because I had no means to change what I looked like.

Here comes university. Walking around campus opened my eyes to many different styles and ways people carried themselves, something I lacked because I was never able to express myself through these things. So I started investing in clothing items that I LIKED. Not something that was convenient, something that hid my arms or something that made me disappear. I, for once, wanted to be visible. I have become my own person by choosing to have a Sunghoon photocard on my shoulder bag, by choosing to wear hairclips on my hijab and by not caring how others perceived me.

When I think of how much my life has changed over the year, the first thing I realise/notice is how different I feel when wearing the clothes/makeup that I want to wear. Did I go to university expecting to change my entire wardrobe? No. But did it happen anyways? Yes, because change doesn’t wait for anyone. It comes when you need it the most but aren’t aware that you need it, when you become too comfortable in your own skin. And although I am considered a ‘late bloomer’ in some people’s eyes, I am glad that I have found the clothes that I like.

Friendships/relationships.

This section, unfortunately has more negatives than positives. Recently, my great friend left to do a year abroad and for almost 3 months now, I have been pondering on how evil change can be. I, selfishly, didn’t want her to go. We had 2 amazing years together as a trio and to see one of us go, and be unable to graduate with us has been a hard pill to swallow. Change, like time, doesn’t care about graduation and what not. In some cases, it rips people away from you without asking, almost disrespectfully, when you become too comfortable. But this isn’t about how I am affected by the change. My friend, is going through her own changes herself. She will probably discover a new version of herself, and although I feel this drastic separation deep in my soul, I cannot wait to see what kind of person she becomes.

Now for romantic relationships, I’ve never had one, and don’t plan on having one unless it comes to me first. And this is something I know for certain. There are some aspects of marriage and love in general that just does not sit right with me. Having to change for another person or having to sacrifice parts of myself for someone else is just not something I am willing to do, especially in a romantic setting. This might seem pessimistic to some people, but to me, it just seems realistic. Nowhere in my future do I see myself married but maybe one day this will bite me in the ass. For now, I don’t expect this to change for a while.

The end of an era.

Here comes the most confusing part about change, having to figure things out by yourself. I am now a 3rd year student at university, and I have had restless nights about my future and what career path to take for myself. Although I have ambitions to become a sports journalists, without the connections, I don’t think it will work out for me. Teaching, however, is a path I am willing to go into if it means I can help decrease the literacy crisis that we are in even by a little. But I am still uncertain.

Dissertations, graduation, jobs have all been bombarding my mind, and I am extremely overwhelmed. Where do I even begin with my dissertation readings? What should I wear for my graduation or when should I start applying for jobs? The shadow of change draws ever so near, and I am scared. I don’t want to grow up. I don’t want to change. But I will have to. and it will probably be for the greater good.

I have never looked forward to change, whether it was physical or mental, but it happens anyway. Maybe I will never accept it or look forward to it, but I know that it is inevitable and hopefully I can become the best version of myself.

From,

sumayaㅤ♡

https://www.instagram.com/sumayaonthegrid

8 responses to “The year of drastic change: unwanted yet needed.”

  1. tania Avatar
    tania

    i found myself resonating with this so so much. it’s so warm to know i’m not the only one either and we’re all in it together ❤ i only pray for our minds to clear the fuzz up and i’m so certain the paths that are meant for us will in fact find us 💌

    Like

    1. sumaya ali Avatar

      im glad someone can relate because it gets lonely sometimes☹️but yes, the world always has its way in bringing us on the paths that we were meant to be in so i have no doubt that all our concerns will be cleared up!!

      Like

  2. oknaima Avatar
    oknaima

    such an interesting piece on the topic!! i’ve thought often about how i feel like a stationary object around which everything and everyone i know is constantly moving around and changing, growing into new versions of theirselves and experiencing new things. And I’ve landed on a more central take on change because even though I am changing all the time, and i’m growing too – it’s the kind of change that’s outside of my own control, it’s happening around me and not from me. I find that trying to change intentionally is so much harder, because you have to unlearn so much of yourself and abandon old thought processes and behaviours in order to evolve. That’s the kind of change also that I was sort of envious of other people for because it felt like it came so much easier to them, like they were growing upwards and i was just growing outwards. It’s refreshing to hear someone admit their own difficulty in accepting change too, i always sensationalise my own hardships with the same, basically thinking things like “no one else is struggling with this as much as you”. But i also think of change (like you said) as necessary, and I want to play a more active part in it – I want to create change in myself rather than just letting it happen to me.

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    1. oknaima Avatar
      oknaima

      I’d also really encourage staying away from ideas like “i just don’t see this happening for me”, I want people (esp my friends 😝)to approach their futures with an open mind (which is hard even for me to do), but instead of thinking “i can’t because of these circumstances”, it’s much better to see how you can work around them and what resources are available for you (especially in uni) to break into spaces that you feel like might be out of your reach in the present!! the world is your OYSTER

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      1. sumaya ali Avatar

        you are right but it’s just how i feel right now! It will probably change soon no matter what i think

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    2. sumaya ali Avatar

      I do think change looks different for everyone and should never be a thing to be envious of. We all evolve in different ways and it shouldnt be comparable! change will happen eventually and forcing yourself wont make it come fast!

      Like

  3. Hazar Avatar
    Hazar

    Going into my third and final year now I fear the uncertainty behind what my life will look like post grad. Changes in life can feel exciting but I think it can also feel isolating sometimes, so thank you for this post ❤

    Like

    1. sumaya ali Avatar

      im in my final year too and I feel the same way!! It’s scary when you are in a limbo state

      Like

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Categories
'25⋆. 𐙚 ˚ books

Why I find books boring.

This statement alone is contradictory as I am an English Literature student, but with the ‘TikTokification’ of reading and overall books have been leading me into a downward spiral of not reading. I don’t remember the last time I picked up a book and felt satisfaction after finishing it, and to me, that is a reflection of the state of books and writing right now. We live in a world where the mass production of tropes and ghost writing have taken over the methodical work that goes into creating a book, and I know that there are amazing writers out there that this does not apply to, but in the age sphere I live in, I hear nothing BUT ‘enemies to lovers’ or ‘golden retriever boyfriend and black cat girlfriend’.

The thing is, I am not a romance hater. When written well, romance is one of my favourite genres to indulge in because it takes me out of a realistic world and helps create this notion of love that not everyone has felt before. My favourite examples of love is through the poetry of the Romantic era, where they don’t particularly speak about a lover but their love for nature and its beauty. The best example I have for this is:

What then I was. The sounding cataract
Haunted me like a passion: the tall rock,
The mountain, and the deep and gloomy wood,
Their colours and their forms, were then to me
An appetite; a feeling and a love,
That had no need of a remoter charm,
By thought supplied, not any interest
Unborrowed from the eye.-That time is past,
And all its aching joys are now no more,
And all its dizzy raptures. Not for this
Faint I, nor mourn nor murmur; other gifts
Have followed; for such loss, I would believe
Abundant recompense. For I have learned
To look on nature, not as in the hour
Of thoughtless youth; but hearing oftentimes
The still sad music of humanity,
Nor harsh nor grating, though the ample power
To chasten and subdue.- and I have felt

When reading this small section of Tintern Abbey by William Wordsworth, I feel this great sense of love and awe for nature. He is able to wish his aches away by looking onto nature for hope it provides wisdom and comfort to him that he is not the only one going through something.

This way of expressing emotions that are unable to be expressed in real life makes books like these feel like the author has sat down and actually thought about it. They are able to convey their thoughts with such beautiful words, I sometimes lose myself when reading it because it doesn’t just become words on a page, it brings it to life.

The opposite can be said when you read modern books that cater towards an audience with a significantly decreased attention span and literacy, all because of the art of ‘doomscrolling’ and spending hours indulging on shortform content. Daily reading rates have dropped by 20% since 2005 and this could be blamed by apps like Instagram and Tiktok that have gained popularity for their addictive scrolling methods. Books no longer cater towards thinkers, but people who wish to gain quick pleasure rather than spend an entire week reading and analysing a book. An argument against this is that people are busier with jobs and thus do not have time for long forms of media but simultaneously have 7-20 hours on fast paced apps. So, in my opinion, being busy is not an excuse to not read or learn something new.

Thus, publishing companies have begun selling stories that are aimed towards smaller attention spans, by using shorter sentences that use less difficult language so that it is understandable quickly. To me, this defeats the whole purpose of reading, as my whole life studying Literature was spent on analysing difficult phrasings and metaphors and by the end of the book/play, I used to feel a great sense of pride for understanding what the author meant, but now, without having to do the thinking myself, I feel lazy and incapable of creating a thought. By telling and not showing, this has created a steady decline in media literacy, as many people who do indulge heavily in shortform content wouldn’t be able to deconstruct a metaphor and understand the meaning behind it. This is not me ridiculing anyone, but just simply pointing out the dramatic effects shortform content has had on media in general, especially when I see it on a day-to-day bases when studying Literature.

An example of this would be:

Madison pulls his suitcase out the back of his Mercedes Benz G-Wagon, my newest purchase, before shrugging on his suit jacket.

-Liz Tomforde, Mile High

The sentence itself probably does not seem like an issue to some, but to me it describes the acts that are occurring instead of letting people infer. Did we need to know that it was their “newest purchase”? NO, we did not need to know that, but instead it’s the author telling us that Zanders had wealth and does not let the reader infer it.

Another example is from a book I have read recently:

This is a marriage of convenience.

-Tessa Dare, The Duchess Deal (Girl Meets Duke #1)

This sentence alone was repeated 7 times and I think it was repeated that way to reiterate the trope that is on display. But did it really need to be repeated that many times, especially past the first chapter where the reader is already coming to an understanding that the marriage is contractual? I think it was not needed after the first 5 chapters but that is my opinion.

The whole reason for this rant/blog is to express my exasperation when it comes to the state of books and writers because I have been unable to read a singular good book that is written in the last 20 years. But maybe it is because I have limited myself into not reading modern books that it has warped my perception of them and has made me think they are all TikTok trash when some could actually be good and hold substance. But when I do read a good book that has been created recently, maybe my perception will change with time and I won’t be so naïve. As for right now though, I personally believe we as a society should step away from the AI generated slop, decentralise greed and money, move from the conventional tropes and genres and create something that feels truly authentic and real, even when it is a nonsensical fantasy book that is set not in this time or any other for that matter. It does not even need to be a completely new idea, I just want a piece of art that gives that characters so much depth and nuance that I feel like I have been transported into their world and genuinely step into their shoes. I want a book that personally changes me, makes me think about myself in a new light and admire the incredible writing of the author without having modern day slang thrown around and used within the book.

Anyway, I know that I am not the only one that thinks this and it’s sad to see that people have become so disinterested in reading but we can help each other by dropping recommendations that do not live in this bubble of mass-produced books.

My current to-read list that I have heard great things about consists of:

Enter Ghost by Isabella Hammad

The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison

East Of Eden by John Steinbeck

I Who Have Never Known Men by Jacqueline Harpman

Hopefully we can all read them and have an intellectual discussion about them too! My StoryGraph is @whosumaya

The End𑣲⋆

1,300 words
Categories
'25⋆. 𐙚 ˚ issues in f1✶⋆.˚

Misogyny in F1: Halo

Lets begin this by congratulating Doriane Pin, who recently won the F1 Academy Championship. Pin’s growth this season has been remarkable to watch, and she proves time and again that she has both the skill and the mindset to rise to the very top. ♥︎

On to my rant of the week, Halo. This was a ‘broadcast for Women’ as they described it and this wouldn’t have been a problem, if they showed women’s sports and created a space for women to enjoy sports together. Instead, the PR manager of their TikTok/Instagram decided to make a highly offensive and sexist post captioned, ‘ how the matcha + hot girl walk combo hits’ with background video of MALE football players. Additionally, their use of pink font is just demeaning to many women. Them posting male f1 drivers also caused outroar as it was meant to be a page that focused on Women excelling in sports.

To add on that, it fed into the stereotype that women know nothing about sports/f1 and need it to be dumbed down for them to understand. I, for one, can disagree highly as most of the educated, sports related conversations I’ve had was with women, not men. If anything, some men, especially on social media, love to undermine women who are into sports by saying they don’t have ‘wheel knowledge’ and are only there for the “attractive men”. Labelling female sport fans as ‘fan-girls’ which is an extremely harmful narrative to spread as it delegitimises women as a whole who are into the sport because they enjoy it.

The message to this is to think before posting anything, especially when the post has misogynistic undertones that is extremely harmful to an already damaged reputation Women fandoms have. Women are not dumb and don’t need pink font and matcha to understand how races work.

2 responses to “Misogyny in F1: Halo”

  1. ... Avatar

    great read once again sumaya. when will women be taken seriously in sports? from the dildo-throwing at the wnba’s to this mess, it’s not looking good for the future. but i know you will definetly be making steps in the right direction – you’ve already inspired me to learn about f1!

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    1. sumaya ali Avatar

      i know right!! they don’t want women in sports but we will take over trust!

      Like

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